Nightmare.

I had a dream that my bestfriend died... What does this mean ? I've never had this kind of dream ever in my life before, & i'm really scared.

I don't want to believe it, i've searched online what it could possibly mean, & it's 50/50. Half the people think it's because your scared or paranoid of them & want them to be safe, but the others say that it could be a sign. I don't know what to think right now.

The setting of my dream, I didn't even know, i was alone in a street, i didn't even see my bestfriend in the dream. Then all of a sudden i was on myspace in the dream & it kept saying R.I.P to my bestfriend; and i see his picture. I start crying in my dream, then all of a sudden I end up at my old house, I rang on my nextdoor neighbors door [ my other bestfriend (female) ]; & I told her what happened to my best friend. i told my female bestfriend [ " My best friend was walking on the street and got hit by a car & died " ]; & my female bestfriend starts laughing. So I leave her house & go back to my old house, & my mom tells me to watch my lil brother, & im crying like crazy.

That's the moment I woke up scared & my heart pounding like crazy. It was 4AM in the morning, and I couldn't stop the tears from coming down my face. I've never cried like this before, & on top of that, I was shaking like crazy. The dream I had doesn't make any sense at all, since I was at my old house ... but I don't know; i'm still scared & I can't get this out of my mind right now.

I'm just scared & worried ... I don't ever wanna have a dream about ANY of my friends ever again ...

....

Hectic schedule.

Ugh there's soo much things for me to do this weekened & next week.

Friday - just staying home, relaxing, watching lil bro [ like always ].

Saturday - Off to the mall to go job searching

Sunday - Going to Jeyra's 18 b-day; then maybe to Sin City after that.

Monday - No school; going to Marshall's or AJ Wright to go find an outfit for senior field trip.

Tuesday - Placement testing at NVCC; ugh I hope I do well.

Wednesday - Going to school, my only day of school that week. Then I have a fashion show to do at 7PM but have to be there at 3:30.

Thursday - Senior Skip Day; have no clue what we're doing that day.

Friday - Senior Field Trip to Six Flags

Ugh after that, it's pretty much getting ready for graduation & college. Life goes by soo fast ... Gonna try to enjoy my last moments with my freshmen's; sophomore's; & junior's; also gonna try to take pictures with all of them so i can put it in my scrapbook.

The Worst Day Of My Life ...

I don't even want to explain in full detail what i've been through today; because it's very personal, but I never realized that doing harm to yourself affects not only yourself, but the people around you also.

I've broken promises & hurt peoples hearts; & I apologize, even though an apology doesn't really solve anything.

I've completely torn myself apart & finally exposed my scars; & I've realized that I need to stop this behavior & learn to appreciate what I have in front of me.

I thought friends were temporary, but the group of friends that i've got will last a lifetime, & I thank every single one of them who helped me out through my pain & lifted my spirits up.

& mostly, I apologize to him ... the last person I would EVER want to see sad. I really can't explain it in words; but just know that it wasn't your fault; you've completely done nothing to hurt me or damage me, i've done it to myself ... & I thank you for not giving up on me & still willing to keep our friendship ...

So, what do I do now ? I don't know, but I hope to never do this to myself again ...

Can't hold it in anymore...

I was originally going to wait til' tommorow to post a new blog, but I just need some ventilation right now.

I'm really falling in love with this boy... he's my best friend but I look at him as more than that. He doesn't feel the same about me, he looks at me as his bigger brother, but I don't want to be viewed as something as that. When I talk to him, my heart melts to the ground & I just get dizzy whenever he's around. He's EVERYTHING i've ever wanted in a man & i've found it within him but yet I can't have him.

& I completely understand why me & him won't be able to work out a relationship between us, at least not for now. If we were to ever make it official, it wouldn't feel the same after we break up & the reason why I know we would break up if we were to ever make it be is because i'm leaving high school & he still has 2 years in it, & it totally won't work out. I'm moving to California & he's moving to New York; so it def. wouldn't work out between us.

I just can't seem to get past being in love with him. Is it normal to be in love with your best friend ? He always understood me & had my back thru thick & thin. Even though i've only known him for almost 2 years, he's special to me... one of the most important people in my entire life. I would do just about anything for this boy, forreal.

Ever since the end of March, i've been crying over him. Before that, I just had a simple crush on him, but now it's turned into something wayy more, something unexplainable... love. I truly love this boy with all of my heart, & yes I am proud to say that I finally know the meaning of what " love " really is. He's everything my hearts missing, & he knows that I love him & want's to be with him. I love the fact that he understands; he's truly amazing... one of a kind. & i'm happy that he's in a relationship right now with another man, even though it kills me & hurts me inside; I am truly happy that he finally fell in love with someone real.. someone who actually cares about him. I've never actually met his boyfriend, but from what he tells me, I can see he truly cares about him.

Yeah I know this sounds crazy, but it's really whats happening in my life right now. I'm not going to lie, I am jealous, but I cannot blame him or his boyfriend. This time, the blame is all on ME. I did this to myself & i'm trying hard to go past this & finally be happy for once in my life, because I haven't truly smiled for soo long...

He brightens up my day, makes me laugh & feel all butterfly-ish inside; & i love our stupid convo's & moments. I'm truly going to miss you when I graduate June 16th... I know that we will drift apart, but you will ALWAYS have my heart in your hands, & I trust you & I know you won't ever try to break it, because you care about me, & I love you ...

I know this blog really doesnt make sense, i kinda wrote it all over the place; but I just needed to get this out of my system ... I feel kind of better now ...

Singing, a possible career ?

Had chorus practice 6&7th period today.

Got really nervous & it showed in my singing voice.

It's the first time i've really tried to sing solo.

I know I have the voice to sing, but my nerves get the best of me.

I may not be the best, but I have a decent voice, I know it.

Tommorow's our concert & I have to sing the 2nd verse to " I Believe I Can Fly".

I hope my nerves don't take over me, because it'll mess up the concert.

I just need to really get into the mood and pour my heart out on stage.

I've never tried to pour my heart out within singing, so I might try that.

... I don't know what to do. I want to write music for artists, & also sing them

Can singing really be a possible career for me besides dancing & webdesign ?