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Purple Against Homphobia

I remember back in Elementary school when everyone thought I acted like a girl and that I was a faggot, but that wasn't when it hurt. It was middle school when I got tormented & bullied for sounding like a girl ( I didn't go through puberty until 7th grade ). The way I walked was criticized, and the way that I held myself was considered a "faggot". Every single day I would hear kids behind me talk about how i'm a faggot & i'm gay. That's when I decided to keep it to myself. I thought being gay was wrong. I wanted to kill myself. Suicidal thoughts came rushing through my head, people who i've considered my friends backstabbed me in middle school, taking the side of the ones that tormented me. I acted tough, at least on the outside I did, inside I was deeply crumbling, feeling like I had no place in this world. Having absolutely no friends in middle school made me feel not only an outcast, but the "faggot". Also got called "Fruity Tooty", females made fun of me, but the males more. Physical Education was the worst. I didn't know how to play any of the sports, except for swimming. When it came to Basketball / Football, I always got picked last, & whichever team I ended up on, I got made fun of. I eventually stopped bring gym clothes & sat either on the bleachers, or the teacher would make me walk around the field. It affected my grade, but they didn't understand the abuse i've gotten from students from whom teachers call "amazing students". To me, everyone in middle school was evil, except for a few who were just like me who went through the same shit.
Suicide was the only thing running through my head in middle school. Being 11-13, I shouldn't even be thinking about it, but with all this breaking me down, I felt like I Was unworthy for life. Being gay was wrong to me, tried my best to be attracted to females, even claimed to be straight to hide my true sexuality, and overtime I became unhappy. Pretending to be okay in school, but crying & thinking suicide inside. I thought about doing many things to myself. I thought about suffocating myself, stabbing my heart, overdosing on pills, etc. to kill myself. Why ? Because apparently I felt un-loved, unwanted, & not worthy. Luckily, I never went through it, because I loved my family too much & I know it would affect them to no end.

Middleschool was the turning point, elementary school was a fairytale, Middle School became a nightmare, & High school became reality.

Freshmen year of high school I realized that there were lesbians & gays who were out of the closet, they gave me the strength to come out to a few of my closest friends that I made my freshmen year. Then sophomore year, I came out to the entire school. Well I didn't, but the gossip spread around the school that i'm out of the closet. Everyone already knew, but I was scared, scared to be judged, scared that I would want to kill myself again. The amazing support i've gotten made me gain even more friends, & made me feel even more comfortable with myself. I basically lived High school very well, I must say.

Now that i'm confident with myself, and comfortable in my own skin, I feel that it's my turn to speak out. I know how it feels, I know how it feels to be bullied to no end, abused to the point where suicide seems like the only solution, but it's not. In order for you to live your life happily, you have to stand your own ground, & fight back to those who attack. Be proud, & be a rolemodel to those who are in the closet, who are terrified of the outcome of coming out the closet. Show them that it DOES get better.

Watching the news about students killing themselves over homophobia is a sign that we must fight those who oppose us. We are just as equal as any other person in this world. I'm tired of bans being put on us, treating us like we're aliens. I'm sick of the Homophobic people, how can you hate somebody just because of who they love? Who they are attracted to ? Is that a sin ? To fall in love with someone of the same sex, how is that wrong? Love is love, & it should always be that way. How dare these homophobs say that we are the wrong ones & that we're going to hell ? YOU are the wrong ones, judging someone based on their preference. There's plenty of issues going on now, but Gays seems to top the charts in news.

If we stick together, show our strength & power, mostly our PRIDE, we can win this constant battle / debate. We can really make a change, so show your pride people, upload videos, write blogs, create groups, places where people can be inspired to show their pride, & most importantly, show everyone that WE ARE JUST LIKE EVERYONE ELSE, A HUMAN BEING.

You're Cut Off

You're Cut Off is probably one of my favorite shows to watch as entertainment, but in all honesty, is probably one of the brattiest shows ever. The glamour, the lifestyle, the money, isn't that the lifestyle everyone dreamed of ? I remember wanting to be rich. I remember people saying that they wish that they can shop & spend countless amounts of money. So if being rich means being a snob, do you still want that ? After watching this show, I told myself that I never want to be like any of these ladies, disrespecting everyday life people. Don't they know that the clothes they wear, the house they live in, the cars they drive, were all made by ordinary people ? So if they are so scared of being ordinary, then why do you use ordinary things? The food they eat, is manufactured by ordinary people, so why is being ordinary such a sin ? One episode stuck to me, which was the PATH episode for the homeless. One lady said " These homeless people need to get a job " & another said that " Homeless people are disgusting ". Why so judgemental to people you don't even know ? Why do you assume homeless people are disgusting ? That pissed me off when I saw that episode. So this lifestyle that is supposidly the best one to live & so high class, is actually a piece of trash. I would never want to live a day in their lives, even if it was spending a lot of money & buying without worry. I never want to look at people like they're lower class, & take everything for granted. I realized that this life I live, an ORDINARY one is the best one to live. Dreams, passion, & love are present in an ordinary life, whereas a rich bratty life, you're only friend is your credit card, & the ones who you "claim" are your friends, really want you for your money & your riches.

D A N C E is my life.

People wonder why i'm always talking about dance, & why do I want to pursue this. One frequent question is, why haven't I put any of my work on YouTube ?

I got interested in dance around the age of 16, watching dance movies & watching the choreography in music videos. I was intrigued by this, and soon started mimicking videos. Although I was terrible, it was something that I knew I could possibly want to pursue. I didn't really get into dance until my junior year of high school, seeing some of my friends who were dancers dance, and even seeing strangers dance made me even more intrigued and inspired. I think the thing that pushed me to want to do this was my low self esteem. I had major issues with myself, my weight, the way I looked, & the way people labeled me as. I went to my first school dance in the 8th grade, and at first I was scared, but with the few friends I had, they encouraged me to not give a care and dance my ass off. I was bullied throughout middle school for being "girly & gay", I got picked on every single day. Those bullies were the same bullies that danced in the same room as me and they didn't judge me, so I took dance as something that I can run away to without being judged. That passion built up until my junior year and I finally started to train myself in dance. I couldn't go to dance classes or even join a dance crew because I had no job and I was scared to tell anyone that this was something that I wanted to do. What held me back was that I was scared that my parents would judge me and think it's a waste of time. So I looked on youtube for tutorials on how to learn 8 counts, and I learned a whole 8 count routine from YouTube which helped me learn about timing and precision. I took martial arts when I was younger and it is connected to dance because you have to discipline yourself and control your body. Putting those together I made myself. Learning from YouTube was a good experience, but I wanted to learn what my style is. That was when I decided to start freestyling to music and form a vision in my head of how I wanted the choreography to be. After about a year of freestyling my senior year of high school, I decided that I wanted to do the talent show, and form a dance crew. I formed the dance crew ( Untouchable Swagger ) with about 11 members, but they weren't as committed as me, and we fell apart quickly. I don't blame them, because it was something fun to them, but serious to me. I choreographed my first piece that was supposed to be my crews audition mix for the talent show ( Danity Kane - Damaged ), and I learned about visionary concept, form a picture in your head and envision yourself dancing and feel the music through your body.

Recently I started choreography to Britney Spears - Shattered Glass which is supposed to be my second piece, but I gave up on choreographing to it because I couldn't find a concept to it, I was simply just moving my body and throwing in different movements. I guess I just loved the song soo much, but couldn't see an image to it. Sometimes it's best to let things go and start on new ones. Currently I haven't found any new songs that form a vision in my head, but as soon as I do, I will choregraph to it and it will become my official second piece. This time I won't announce anything to anyone, because I don't know if I would give up on it, or whatever situation happens. I just want to get myself out there in the right way, I want to give a good first impression to the public.

After all these years of freestyle & self training, I think it's time to join a dance studio and learn from other choreographers. I found one studio that I will join soon, they teach Zumba & Hip Hop, and I am excited to finally get my foot in the path I need to be on.

Dancing is my passion and nobody will stop me from it. A couple of years from now, I'll make moves on the world, but for now, training is the only thing on my mind.

Rambling....

It's been a while since i've updated this blog, I don't know where to start. Let's backtrack a little bit.

Okay so this past week was my birthday ( I turned 19 ), realizing that i'm 19 now makes me realize that I haven't gone anywhere yet, I've pretty much been stuck on the same page. I have been practicing a lot on my dancing, & I think it's time that I got into a studio & started training. In order to do that I need a job first. I applied to Hollister on tuesday, and I had my interview on friday (my birthday). The interview went pretty well I think. I was pretty nervous since it was a group interview and you don't want to repeat anyones answers, so I had to think about my past experiences and put it to the best answer I can to the questions that were being thrown at me. One specific question about how diversity is important to me made me really think. I didn't have time to think for an answer so I basically said the basics of it on how it doesn't matter what race you are, everyone is equal and it shows especially in clothing that people can wear the same things, nothing for a specific ethnicity. I gave an example, & the manager is a white girl so I think I offended her a little when I said that an example would be that only white people work at hollister, but I responded to that statement saying that it wasn't true & that with diversity it shows that Hollister isn't just for white people. I hope she wasn't offended, I was telling the truth about the Hollister stereotype and I hope the manager saw that. After that the interview was over I went on and looked for my mom. That woman I swear does NOT stay in one place, I went through the mall at least 3 times looking for her.

While I was looking for my mom I bumped into my high school friend Mariah, Gosh how much I missed her. Talked to her and decided to walk her to her job upstairs at the movie theater. While walking there I saw this cute asian boy with a lip piercing walking by and I could not stop looking at him. I really wanted to "holla" (lol) and get his number but I was hella scared. Man, I will never let an opportunity like that pass by me ever again, even if he did reject me at least I could say that I tried. He was on my mind for the rest of the day. Damn, I really messed up and I probably won't ever see him again. Oh well... I guess.

I also applied to Victoria's Secret and they seem pretty interested in me. I think the fact that i'm gay played a big part in them being interested in me. I know they hire guys, but I think a lot of guys want to work there just to see other girls and be nasty lol. Soo, hopefully they will call me for an interview. I really wouldn't mind working there, I can give that store some excitement and females would feel comfortable around me, get a boys opinion if they needed it, without me getting horny or anything LOL hahaa, I love my men, couldn't see myself ever going for a female ever, I can't help the fact that I love the D.

I saw the Lady Gaga video for Alejandro & I honestly do not like the video. The choreography was amazing & I love the dancing, but the video itself was lacking Gaga. I feel like she went a little too dark this time & it didn't excite me like her previous music videos. I get the meaning of the video ( I don't feel like explaining ) but I didn't like it that much. Oh well...

Error ?

I honestly don't know what's wrong with my blogger. My comments dissapear & they reappear, I have NO clue what's going on. I think I really should go onto Tumblr instead. Although I have no idea how to make layouts on there, it seems a bit easier to use than this site.

Hmmm...

I tried out Tumblr & it's very confusing, so i'm going to stay here. Oh and btw I have a new layout, I guess I still kind of have some graphic skills.

I've been doing nothing really except finding songs that I want to choreograph to. I have my youtube account up ( youtube.com/user/anthonyhap ) and I will be posting up all my choreographed routines. The current routine I'm choreographing to is "Britney Spears - Shattered Glass". I've been working on it for about a month. It's my first piece I ever created so I understand why it's taking soo long because I have major choreo-block which means you get stuck while choreographing, you don't know what you want your body to do next. So hopefully after a few routines & dance classes I'll be able to choreograph faster.

My style of dancing is from the heart & body, not the way I think I should move. If it looks awkward to you, it feels right to me, because that's the way it moves. I don't know if that makes sense, but I want to make a name for myself for being myself, not what people would expect from a dancer. Everyone is soo caught up on the ABDC game, which doesn't prove how good of a dancer you are, it just gives you entertainment as a whole with the challenges & the stunts, but true choreography comes from outsite of a television show, the dance community. Right now, I'm just trying to improve as a dancer & prove to everyone that I can do this. I've been dancing in my room since I was 16, & working on controlling myself & learn basic movement. Without a doubt people won't like the way I dance, but I can't help it, this is ME. Videos will be up soon & I can't wait to see the response.

I've decided.

I have decided to keep this account to basically vent & post up some lyrics, & I will have a Tumblr account for updates on my dancing ( videos, workshops, teaching, etc. ) & blogs about my dancing experiences.

I need a laptop, I am going to buy a Macbook soon, & start catching up on my web designing & uploading dance videos. Oh, and I also need to buy a cellphone, I think I want the MOTOROLA CLIQ for T-MOBILE, it looks really nice, & it's something I know I can stay with for a while. Nowadays, everyone is hyped up about the iPhone, but not me, it's not something that I really would stick with.

I was going to write something else, but I forgot what I was going to say, I was thinking about it while I was writing the previous paragraph above, but it's been erased from my mind, if I remember, i'll post it on my next update.

Back.

It's been a while since i've posted a blog, & I need to start again. I think i'll switch to Tumblr though, it looks cool. But until then, i'll just post on here.

Nobody's perfect.

Everybody goes through a struggle in life. Whether it's a money issue, drug issue, getting kicked out of your parents house, or even getting over someone. Whatever issue you're dealing with, it's solvable. With a positive mind to work towards the better & to focus on the positive & take the negative as fuel for your success; you'll definitely be able to succeed in whatever path you're going towards. Nobody is perfect, & I believe that NOBODY has the right to tell you whats right from wrong, because what's wrong for one, could be right for the other. Someone who tells you that you're going down the wrong path, or if what their doing is wrong, or if they say that you're going to fail in life, FUCK that. Don't listen to negativity, not even from family. Take in that negativity as fuel to prove them wrong, that you CAN make something of yourself & become a success in life. People who think that people are " hating " on them are the ones hating themselves, why would you call someone a hater, & say that " i have a nice car, & im doing something with my life " ; umm, that's called cockiness. Stop talking down on others & focus on yourself. Stop thinking that the world is hating on you, when you're the one calling it out. Life is meant for mistakes, & those who don't let their children, friends, etc. make mistakes are the ones that won't grow in life, & learn from their mistakes, instead they will stay on the same level. Everyone who has a dream, go for it, despite anyones opinion. Me ? I want to dance, & act; but nobody approves of it besides friends. You know what I say to the ones who don't approve of it ? FREAK YOU; i'll prove you wrong then you'll understand that with work & dedication, things can become possible for you in life. Everyone says things that shouldn't be said, but that's okay, because then you'll learn to control what you say. Basically all im trying to say is that, it's okay to make mistakes, & people will always judge you. There's no good side & there's no bad side, it's just a matter of opinions. Whoever reads this, I hope it clears out your mind.

C o n f u s e d

I dont know whats gotten into me. The things that I thought I was passionate about are in the back burner now.

I've been devoting most of my time to dancing. I have no training in it, just been winging it in front of a reflected window in my house, teaching myself choreography. I look at myself & ask " Why do you want to be a dancer? " ; this question still goes on in my head. I believe that within time I can share my dancing with everyone, just not now.

Majoring in dance ? I thought it would be beneficial, but what can I do with a degree in dance? I need to major in a backup career, graphic design. *sigh* ; life is a puzzle piece.

l i f e.

theres alot of things that i have regretted doing; but letting you out of my life wasnt one of them; im happy that you are gone now, im free from your blinding looks & your perfect smile. who would wanna let that go? well, i guess i want imperfection, & he was nothing but a barbie ken doll, plastic & cold.

Sometimes love ...

As the days, hours, months go by I thought it was going to be enough.

I thought the longer I didnt see, the less I would be attracted to you.

Now I realize that I just cant let you go. This is love & you are the love that my heart wants. After being with other boys; you came to mind everytime. The strength you possess, my body becomes a slave. You are my king, my ruler, & I want you to bring me closer to your heart so our worlds can collide within one another, lets be one together... eddie rivera <3.. -- antdeezy.

Lost of interest.

It's been a long time since i've last updated this site; it's just that i haven't had anything to talk about lately. Alot of shit has happened since my last update, but i dont feel the importance of even putting it up here because... well i don't know.

Myspace is getting more & more less of an addiction; i used to redo my layout with some sick ass designs made by yours truly =]; but now i could careless about the appearance of my page; i have a simple default layout with a background i found on google, haha. i still love web & graphic designing, but i just don't do it as much anymore.

Lately, i've been on Twitter & Facebook alot, & they're becoming addictions because well... the audience is ALOT more mature than myspace, & it's the best way to keep in touch with people. MySpace is just a popularity contest now; & i hate it.

I probably won't blog at all on this site unless i'm feeling down or depressed; so best way to reach me is through twitter, facebook, or myspace. The links to those pages are on the right side of my page. =]

UGHHH.

it seems like everytime i write in here, there's always a million things i wanna talk about; but i could write a book with the shit that's gone on this week.

im not gonna call the boy im talking about him no more; im actually gonna say his name now because i just dont care anymore. well it's not anything new that me & eddie argued again; that's a typical conversation between me & him. i realize that i do start every fight with him; but i don't mean to. i argue with him because it's the only way to get my point across to him, without it, he'd just ignore what i say & change the subject on me. i ask myself every single day " why am i in love with this boy ? " ; & i finally found the answer; he's everything i've ever wanted, & i won't stop 'til he's mine. & no it's not because he's cute; it's more than that. i LOVE his personality & his swagg.

our most recent argument, hopefully the last; i finally came out to him. i mean, he KNOWS that i like him ever since like march; but he never knew how i felt deep inside, & he didn't even know what to say after me pouring my heart out. i NEVER felt this way about any boy in my life; & i cant help the fact that i've fallen completely in love with him. how'd we go from bestfriends; to me falling in love with my bestfriend ? is it wrong for me to love him ? IDK. but we haven't talked since then; & it's given me time to think about it, & i've realized that i truly do love him. i would do anything for this boy, & when i say anything, anything. money, a ride [ when i get a car ], gifts. i probably would buy everything for him, that's how much i love him. i wouldnt do this for just anyone.

UGHH; throughout all this shit, he still doesn't see that i love him with all my heart. he's still blind, & left me with blank answers. I don't know what to do anymore, I feel like i've done everything i could; but i guess its not good enough. I guess i'm gonna have to fight for it now; & trust, I won't give up. He's someone i'll never give up on, i believe that we do have a chance, I just have to show him even more.


I've had other fun things happen to me this week, but i'm not gonna write about it because it's gonna ruin the mood of this entry, lol. =[

The turning point in life.

first & foremost, new look; =].

pre-graduation argument



Oh man, I didn't see this one coming. This happened like 1 hour before i left to graduation. " HIM " hit me up on aim; & convo started out normal. I don't know why, but i was being a big bitch to him, calling him an " asshole, trick, bitch, dickhead, etc. "; maybe because of the things he was saying to me were ticking me off. i honestly could care less about who the fuck he's messing with or who's throat his tongue has been down. it hurt me for him to say it, maybe that's why i felt the need to be a bitch to him. & then i told him he doesn't phase me at all; & that he may have had me before, but he def. doesnt now; & thats when he got pissed off; & said he'll hit me up later, & being the bitch that i am; i was like " OKAY, BYE =] " ; lmfao. i honestly care less about this boy day after day; realizing how big of a blind asshole he is; constantly searching for love; when love was right in front of his face. i am the fckin best. =]

graduation



I arrived at graduation with my mom, dad, & sister around 6:30PM; & the lines for the parents to be seated in the auditorium were already odee long; so they went in line, & my ass went back outside & chilled with all the graduates before lining up in the gym. it was pretty cool seeing all of us knowing that it was our night to shine. around 7:20PM we went into the gym & just chilled again. around 7:50PM is when we finally started lining up; & we started heading into the auditorium around 8:10PM. we waited in the back as the senior video played, & my ass was in it; lol. i forgot the line that i said, but it was a nice one. then we went down through the aisles & took our seats. then our class president did her speech, sat us down & then all those boring board of education people & the mayor started speaking, ugh took like 1 hour for all of them to speak. then the principal called the senior chorus up; & i was nervous as fuck, because we performed on stage in front of like 500 people; plus the mayor & board of ed. people behind us on stage, the pressure was intense, but we got through it. i kind of messed up my lyrics lol; i sang part of the 1st verse while we were singing the 2nd verse of " STAND BY YOU - CARRIE UNDERWOOD ". we got a loud applause after though lol. then after that, more people spoke, & then a duet sang one last time, & then the time came for diplomas. when they called my name, i was soo scared, i thought i was gonna get boo'd lol; but everyone clapped & a whole bunch of screams lol; i felt loved. after the whole process it was finally time to move our tassel's from the right to the left; & then exit, that's when i realized that it was all over; my high school years are over & i'm entering the real world, the world where anything can happen, either life will eat you up or guide your path... wow. we went back to the gym to say our goodbyes, & to my suprise, I DIDNT CRY AT ALL; lmfao; i thought i was gonna be an emotional wreck but i wasnt. i just took pictures with people; & said my goodbyes to some. My dad gave me my camera like right before it was gonna die, so i was only able to take like 3 pics lol. but my friends have pics of me on their camera's so im gonna get those pics from them & post them up.

our class 2009... out of all the graduating classes, we've had it the hardest. we went through principal changes, new schedule changes, new guidance counselers, 2 tragedies with the death of Manny Fresh ♥ & Sean being in a coma. We've went through soo many hardships & fights; but in the end, we come together as one big family. To think of the 4 years we went through, from 2005 - 2009; we definitely been through it all .... I'm just glad that the people that I saw in 2005 are the same ones that I graduated with, & that's a huge accomplishment. & we are the first graduating class to recieve the most scholarships & be accepted to more than 20 different colleges. amazing, yes I know.



well that's about it !!! then i went out after =]..... mmm yeah. lol.

Reaching the end.

Monday & Tuesday are the final 2 days of school. Finals were over Friday, but I have to come in Monday for our 2nd graduation rehearsal. Graduation rehearsal was hilarious on Friday. It took forever for Mrs. Moore [ Vice Principal ] to call everyones name to put us in our assigned seats for graduation. There's about 500 seniors; so yeah that shit took like 1 hour to do. I hate Mrs. Moore soo much, words cannot describe how much I despise this lady. She's forever getting on someone for a dresscode violation, & if you talk back to her, she either reacts with a suspension or in-house detention. Pshh, freak that trick ! We went through one complete run through on how it is going to be on graduation, so we got the whole thing down. But no, Mrs. Moore wants to go through the whole thing a second time, like WTF we already know what to do ! So while she starts doing the whole thing over, alot of people decide to leave, including myself. It was 12PM, and we had practice since 10AM, I was definetely not having it, so I left. I came back in though to come get some of my friends because I didn't wanna be outside alone lol, & as im getting them, Mrs. Moore goes " WHO DISMISSED ALL THE STUDENTS ? " ; haha that shit made me laugh, for the simple fact that she didn't realize that everybody left until she put her head up from the list of names she was reading. Haha, she's freakin slow.

My birthday on Thursday was pretty good, I guess. Just the fact that i'm 18; makes it seem like I can do anything. I'm definitely going clubbing alot more often & living my life with my besties. My friend Michelle bought me a 5LB bag of Swedish fish, LOL; she knows that i'm addicted to those candies; she knows how to get to my heart ! My other friend Tatiana, brought me Iced coffee & a bagel from Dunkin' Donuts, which also got to my heart lol, along with $20; which I tried giving back to her but she refused. & Valerie is planning something for me next weekend after graduation, maybe NYC ? IDK. My boo [ HIM ]; lol i'm sick of calling him " him "; but I don't wanna say his name because I don't want any of his groupies to know that i'm talking about him, but he's on my top on myspace ! If you're my friend, I suggest you go check who this "him" really is ! But yeah, he gave me a hug, & said he couldn't get me anything for my b-day because he's broke; which I really could care less because the only gift he could possibly give me is himself, lol. Ah, he just gets to my heart everytime I talk to him or see him, even though we argue like a married couple. I still love him muchos !

I basically spent my b-day with Danilda, & it was straight; didn't do much, I just love being with her, we would always do something stupid or talk about some shit going on in our lives. She said that she was gonna pay for my tongue piercing, & I really want it, but i'm super scared. I also want a lip piercing, with the ring, omg I think those are soo cute, so i'm stuck between a tongue piercing, or a lip piercing. IDK.

I'm also supposed to get a tattoo with "him" ; on my wrist of a nautical star in purple & black, but i'm having major doubts of even getting it, because me & him argue constantly, & im always crying over him. I don't want any regrets, so I might just wait for a little while until I get this one, I want to be 100% sure that I want to put him on my wrist forever. IDK.

I need to start talking to people & start going to the clubs & messing with people, because ever since i've got stuck on him, I completely cut off that lifestyle of meeting new guys & being with them. I think it's time to finally get back out there, just like my social worker says.

Hmmm, I think that's about it that happened in my life so far, nothing more. Well I guess I can put this in. I've been making layouts on my MySpace, & deleting them like 5 minutes after putting it on my page, IDK why I do that ? because I work soo freaking hard on my graphics, & I always remain unsatisfied with myself. I think I expect too much from myself, always looking for perfection in my designing. I don't even have a passion for graphic design, but i'm gonna pursue it as a side career since I know I can make alot of money from it. My heart belongs on the dancefloor & in the television screen. That's where my true passion belongs.

Finally opened my eyes. PT 1 / Last Day Of School PT 2

PT. 1 THIS IS BECAUSE OF * HIM *


Who would have thought that the boy that you've fallen completely in love with was the person that doesn't wanna be with you ? Well he never told me that he didn't wanna be with me, but he seems to dodge it everytime i confront him about it. I'm just sick & tired of crying & putting him before anything. I put my heart out for him, everything I did was for him. My friends warned me not to do it, but I didn't listen & did it anyways, & in the end he ended up leaving my heart behind & taking someone elses. Why is it that he always see's the good in other people but doesn't see it in me ? He ends up getting hurt in the end, & im still here standing by him dying inside, but strong enough to help him through it. Where will he ever find another friend like me ? Someone who is soo in love with him, but yet still tries to help out his relationships with others ? I feel like I was the only person there for him.

We had an argument today around 9PM; & when i looked at the timestamp, our argument ended at 11PM. 2 straight hours with us just going at it; didnt solve ANYTHING at all, & still isn't solved. I'm gonna confront him tommorow, I can't go on with this tension between us. Me & him argue like once or twice a month, but it was never serious til now. This is the biggest argument we've ever had, & I feel like i'm losing him as a friend, but maybe we can surpass all this & just move on ?

I don't know though, I never felt this way about anyone ever in my life, he's truly one of a kind & he's a fuckin confusing person, but I love him. I guess you can call him my enemy, so basically, I fell in love with the enemy ...




PT. 2

Today was the last day of school, & it went pretty good until 6th & 7th period. We take out 6 & 7 exams before 1 -5; IDK why, but we do, so that means today was our final day in 6 & 7th. My friend sophia wrote in my yearbook and i read it in 6th; and i started crying reading it halfway; and the whole class gave me a hug. I truly will miss that class, sewing my jeans in there, & making clothes; wow that was a fun year in there. & then 7th period was chorus, the drama-filled class with me & * HIM *. He signed my yearbook at the end, but i guess he didnt finish because the bell rang, but when i was walking to my bus at the end i read it and started crying soo bad. On the bus, Amaris came & held me because i was crying sooo baddd. Realizing that i'm not ever gonna be in school with him ever again hurt me like hell. Obviously i fckin hate him right now though ( if you read Pt. 1 ); but damn ... i sure will miss his sexy self lol; but more than that, just to be with him & talk about dumb things...


WELLL this was my day today; i didnt explain EVERYTHING that happened, but you sure do get the point...

The end of the very beginning.

Well, there's alot of things happening this month, the month where everything in my life will possibly change. June 11th I turn 18; i'm excited to finally be legal, but then again, it means making decisions, college, planning my future out, paying bills, and learning to become independent & not count on my parents to do it for me.

June 16th, I graduate high school, the school that has changed my life. Fate put me into that school, i've met some of the most amazing people in my life there. I originally was supposed to go to an Arts Magnet school but didn't get accepted, & i'm happy I didn't. These past 4 years being an " Eagles " student has been such a rollercoaster ride. Tears, laughter, pain, & love; the fights, the drama, the friends, the pranks, & the annoying teachers. This place i've hated coming to everyday; couldn't wait for the dismissal bell, & the stupid dress code; ugh I hated that. I never thought i'd say this, but i'm really going to miss that place, waking up at 5:30AM getting ready for school, to be in homeroom by 7:20AM; & going thru the day not paying attention in class & just gossiping about things, & falling in love with someone. All my underclassmen & future seniors; you are the most amazing people ever, keep your head up & cherish every single moment of your senior year because if you don't; it won't hit you until your about to graduate.

Yearbook signing was pretty difficult to go through, soo many times I felt like crying, & I did once with my bestie Valerie. Realizing that we won't be seeing anyone anymore, all going away to college & going seperate pathways, it hurts like hell, but that's life. People walk in & out of your life; & somehow, you have to deal with it & manage.

Plans after high school ? I start college August 26th, & I pray that it will bring me a step closer to achievement, I don't want to be a failure in life ... I want to prove my family, friends, & HIM ♥

Long Update.

I haven't written on here in a bout a week, & I've had alot going on too.

I did my schools fashion / talent show, let me start by saying it was " whack ". Not alot of people participated in the talent show, but the fashion show was pretty good; I did my thing on the runway with my pajama's & my skinny jeans; but I didn't walk the way I thought it would be.

I had my senior field trip on friday to Six Flags New England; it was pretty fun. I finally got to be with the class of '09 and not worry about anyone or stress him that day. I was pretty scared of this catapult ride, I will never ever again in my life go on that again. I've never been soo scared of a ride before, & i'm a huge thrill-rider too. Guess i've met my match.

After the field trip, I went to the carnival with Valerie around 10PM; it was pretty whack, me & her didn't really talk like that, so my mom showed up and played a couple of games, & then went home; WHACK.

Today in school I was pretty happy to be in school today; laughing & all; until 7th period, where im spending my last moments with some of the people that I love & care for the most. The people in my 7th period are amazing, especially that one person ( no need for names ); I really felt like crying. To know that i'm graduating & they're going on with their high school experience, & that I won't be a part of the rest of their experience. I'm just stressing that right now.

I've never realized how much I love this boy, like it's crazy & we're not even a couple ! He's my bestfriend that I fell in love with, but I understand & know why it's unhealthy for me to feel like this. I'd rather have him be my bestfriend & KNOW that he will always be there for me; instead of us being in a relationship & arguing & fighting & breaking up & him not being there in the end. I want this boy to be in my life forever & being friends is the #1 best thing to do. Maybe in the future, maybe 10 yrs from now if we're still seeing eachother, then maybe I could take it to the next level with him, but who knows; maybe true love is somewhere out there in the world for me ? Is it him ? Or is it someone else ? Either way, I cannot stress & cry & damage myself over him any longer because if it's not meant to be right now or ever, then it wasn't meant to be. I'm just glad I have such an understanding & amazing person in my life. I don't mean to put him in the spotlight, because I have other bestfriends too that love & care about me as much, or maybe even more than he does; so shout outs to them too ! haha.

I get my yearbook this friday, & I saw the picture they've chosen, & I absolutely HATE the way that I look in that picture. Oh well though, at least I have my spot in the yearbook so that people can remember my face. I can't believe high school is ending in about 2 weeks & i'm finally moving onto the real life. Choices, decisions, college, love, partying, careers, etc. Wow, I can't believe it, i'm finally reaching the exit door of the teachers that guided me & gave me the tools I need to succeed in life, & now it's time to put it all to use ...

Nightmare.

I had a dream that my bestfriend died... What does this mean ? I've never had this kind of dream ever in my life before, & i'm really scared.

I don't want to believe it, i've searched online what it could possibly mean, & it's 50/50. Half the people think it's because your scared or paranoid of them & want them to be safe, but the others say that it could be a sign. I don't know what to think right now.

The setting of my dream, I didn't even know, i was alone in a street, i didn't even see my bestfriend in the dream. Then all of a sudden i was on myspace in the dream & it kept saying R.I.P to my bestfriend; and i see his picture. I start crying in my dream, then all of a sudden I end up at my old house, I rang on my nextdoor neighbors door [ my other bestfriend (female) ]; & I told her what happened to my best friend. i told my female bestfriend [ " My best friend was walking on the street and got hit by a car & died " ]; & my female bestfriend starts laughing. So I leave her house & go back to my old house, & my mom tells me to watch my lil brother, & im crying like crazy.

That's the moment I woke up scared & my heart pounding like crazy. It was 4AM in the morning, and I couldn't stop the tears from coming down my face. I've never cried like this before, & on top of that, I was shaking like crazy. The dream I had doesn't make any sense at all, since I was at my old house ... but I don't know; i'm still scared & I can't get this out of my mind right now.

I'm just scared & worried ... I don't ever wanna have a dream about ANY of my friends ever again ...

....

Hectic schedule.

Ugh there's soo much things for me to do this weekened & next week.

Friday - just staying home, relaxing, watching lil bro [ like always ].

Saturday - Off to the mall to go job searching

Sunday - Going to Jeyra's 18 b-day; then maybe to Sin City after that.

Monday - No school; going to Marshall's or AJ Wright to go find an outfit for senior field trip.

Tuesday - Placement testing at NVCC; ugh I hope I do well.

Wednesday - Going to school, my only day of school that week. Then I have a fashion show to do at 7PM but have to be there at 3:30.

Thursday - Senior Skip Day; have no clue what we're doing that day.

Friday - Senior Field Trip to Six Flags

Ugh after that, it's pretty much getting ready for graduation & college. Life goes by soo fast ... Gonna try to enjoy my last moments with my freshmen's; sophomore's; & junior's; also gonna try to take pictures with all of them so i can put it in my scrapbook.

The Worst Day Of My Life ...

I don't even want to explain in full detail what i've been through today; because it's very personal, but I never realized that doing harm to yourself affects not only yourself, but the people around you also.

I've broken promises & hurt peoples hearts; & I apologize, even though an apology doesn't really solve anything.

I've completely torn myself apart & finally exposed my scars; & I've realized that I need to stop this behavior & learn to appreciate what I have in front of me.

I thought friends were temporary, but the group of friends that i've got will last a lifetime, & I thank every single one of them who helped me out through my pain & lifted my spirits up.

& mostly, I apologize to him ... the last person I would EVER want to see sad. I really can't explain it in words; but just know that it wasn't your fault; you've completely done nothing to hurt me or damage me, i've done it to myself ... & I thank you for not giving up on me & still willing to keep our friendship ...

So, what do I do now ? I don't know, but I hope to never do this to myself again ...

Can't hold it in anymore...

I was originally going to wait til' tommorow to post a new blog, but I just need some ventilation right now.

I'm really falling in love with this boy... he's my best friend but I look at him as more than that. He doesn't feel the same about me, he looks at me as his bigger brother, but I don't want to be viewed as something as that. When I talk to him, my heart melts to the ground & I just get dizzy whenever he's around. He's EVERYTHING i've ever wanted in a man & i've found it within him but yet I can't have him.

& I completely understand why me & him won't be able to work out a relationship between us, at least not for now. If we were to ever make it official, it wouldn't feel the same after we break up & the reason why I know we would break up if we were to ever make it be is because i'm leaving high school & he still has 2 years in it, & it totally won't work out. I'm moving to California & he's moving to New York; so it def. wouldn't work out between us.

I just can't seem to get past being in love with him. Is it normal to be in love with your best friend ? He always understood me & had my back thru thick & thin. Even though i've only known him for almost 2 years, he's special to me... one of the most important people in my entire life. I would do just about anything for this boy, forreal.

Ever since the end of March, i've been crying over him. Before that, I just had a simple crush on him, but now it's turned into something wayy more, something unexplainable... love. I truly love this boy with all of my heart, & yes I am proud to say that I finally know the meaning of what " love " really is. He's everything my hearts missing, & he knows that I love him & want's to be with him. I love the fact that he understands; he's truly amazing... one of a kind. & i'm happy that he's in a relationship right now with another man, even though it kills me & hurts me inside; I am truly happy that he finally fell in love with someone real.. someone who actually cares about him. I've never actually met his boyfriend, but from what he tells me, I can see he truly cares about him.

Yeah I know this sounds crazy, but it's really whats happening in my life right now. I'm not going to lie, I am jealous, but I cannot blame him or his boyfriend. This time, the blame is all on ME. I did this to myself & i'm trying hard to go past this & finally be happy for once in my life, because I haven't truly smiled for soo long...

He brightens up my day, makes me laugh & feel all butterfly-ish inside; & i love our stupid convo's & moments. I'm truly going to miss you when I graduate June 16th... I know that we will drift apart, but you will ALWAYS have my heart in your hands, & I trust you & I know you won't ever try to break it, because you care about me, & I love you ...

I know this blog really doesnt make sense, i kinda wrote it all over the place; but I just needed to get this out of my system ... I feel kind of better now ...

Singing, a possible career ?

Had chorus practice 6&7th period today.

Got really nervous & it showed in my singing voice.

It's the first time i've really tried to sing solo.

I know I have the voice to sing, but my nerves get the best of me.

I may not be the best, but I have a decent voice, I know it.

Tommorow's our concert & I have to sing the 2nd verse to " I Believe I Can Fly".

I hope my nerves don't take over me, because it'll mess up the concert.

I just need to really get into the mood and pour my heart out on stage.

I've never tried to pour my heart out within singing, so I might try that.

... I don't know what to do. I want to write music for artists, & also sing them

Can singing really be a possible career for me besides dancing & webdesign ?

The end of the chapter.

Graduation [ June 16, 2009 ]

I can't believe that it finally comes to an end.

The door to the real world opens up for me & i'm just not ready.

I don't want to seperate from my high school friends.

Especially him, the one that I have fallen in love with; im just scared of losing him.

I feel like we will fall apart after I graduate, & you'll simply move on.

The past year 1/2 that i've known you; i've fallen completely in love with you.

You were the motivation for me to get up & come to school.

But now, we're drifting apart; & moving on our own.

*sigh* ... I don't know what to do now.

College is coming way too fast, I start August 26th.

I have to get a job, so I can save up to move to California.

I need to lose some weight, & practice on my dancing more.

I need to start getting my life on track so I can meet my expectations.

I need to achieve what i've been working for, dancing & music.

I just know this is the path I must lead, I don't feel happy doing anything else.

My parents want me to be a doctor, but that's not who I am.

Is it always about the money ? Because I always thought it was about what you loved.

... I don't know, just soo much on my mind right now.

I needed to get this out of my system...